Monday, September 15, 2008


i feel so compelled, i feel small and afraid.
my feet touch down quickly and pick up just as fast.
left right, right left, right again.

my lungs take in air, they breathe in tiny particles, non-filtered.
my heart beat, it races, picking up and gaining speed.
it races.
faster and faster.

i'm running in place.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


don't you leave me here.
don't you do it.


"i woke up just as weak, as i was when i fell asleep.
my bones are stiff, and i can feel it setting in.
all my energy has left me, escaped out all my pores, out my eyes.
and again, i can't breathe.

i swear to you, i won't love again.
i swear to you, i won't ever love again.

don't you remember what my eyes looked like?
don't you remember all the colours painted in side?
don't you remember the way it feels with me there?
don't you remember?
how could you forget?

how could you forget?
i swear to you, i won't love again.
i won't ever love again.

just please, don't go, i can't take this.
i can't breathe.

i love you too much, to let you.
but i can't stop you.
i can't stop you.

i just want to know,
how could you forget?"

Thursday, September 11, 2008


we all change.
we all go through things to help us change.
we all go through things to help us get to where we are.
we all go through things for a reason, and not always because we are supposed to go through things. sometimes because we make ourselves go through things, to test our strengths. to test our existence. we try and play head games with our own heads, and before we know it, we're so far in, and there's no turning back.

i'm not turning back.
not this time, and never again.
i've waited my whole life, to love someone who loved me back, just as much, if not more.
and now, i have that. now, i have you.

and i have everything. and i know that you know, that there's nothing in this world, no man holds enough power to hold me back from that. no one person could ever change how i feel for you. when you asked me if this was it, and i replied with yes, i meant it. this is it. this is everything i've waited and worked for, my entire life. this feeling of belonging somewhere, belonging next to someone. this feeling that i get when i hear you, when i see you. it's a feeling that no one can understand or put into words, even when i feel like maybe just maybe, my words are enough, even when i know they never will be. i know i have my way with words, as i always have. but there's nothing i can say now, to change your mind. i don't think you understand completely how much of me you have. i don't think you can comprend that, mostly because i wasn't supposed to happen, you never thought you'd ever fall in love again, but you did, we did. and now you're dream of just leaving, getting up and leaving everything behind is being put on stand by, and you don't know what to do. you love me, and i love you. and if there was any reason for you to just get up and leave with out say, know that i'd do everything in my power to find you. to track you down with every breath i have, every beat of my heart. to show you, to prove to you, that you are worth far more than what you think. you hold more heart than you know, both yours and mine. you're every reason i am who i am, and i know i've said that a thousand times, about a thousand other people, but when i say it about you, there's more meaning behind it, than there has ever been. i'd walk every mile, i'd wear holes in my shoes if it meant finding you, and showing you exactly what you are worth. i fell in love with someone who's convinced himself he is nothing, who's convinced himself he's never going anywhere, ever. and to me that's alright, because i want to go everywhere, and if you aren't going anywhere, then there's no reason as of why you can't come with me. i don't get worked up like this over nothing. i don't cry and panic over nothing. you are everything to me, and i don't think that phrase has ever been used before, and had so much hiding behind it. i love you, and that's all there is too it. i love you for who you are. i love you just the way you are. and not even you could change that. not that you'd want too. because you can say you've felt like this before, but i can say i haven't. i can tell you all the people i've loved, and i can tell you with out a doubt in my heart, i've never loved someone so much. not like i love you. there's so many options for me, so many places i could go, and not a single one of them matter unless i have you, next to me, everyday, for the rest of my life. you, i, we are going to make it. even if it's making it with nothing, even if it's making it with what we can carry on our backs, we're going to make it. and everything is going to be okay. nothing can hold us back, and nothing can bring us down, even our own downfalls at risk, those don't even matter now. we are stronger than this. i still have you, as i'll have you tomorrow and the days following. and we will still have everything.

i love you. and i've never meant that more. i've never in my entire life, felt so compelled to tell you, as i do now. you say you wouldn't want to bring me down, and i say, i'm not letting you go down alone. and i mean that, you're not going anywhere, and if i have to make you promise me that everynight before i close my eyes, i will. because i know you'd never break a promise, i know you'd never hurt me. i know you'd never hold anything against me, or hold anything from me. i've never felt a love like you. i've never been more in love with anyone, like i am now. and i am completely in love with you. every fiber of my being, you have. you have all of me. i've said it before and i'll say it again. or as many times as i have too, said as loud or as quite as needed, just believe me when i say, i'd go with you. and nothing else would matter. because i would. i'd give up anything and everything, as long as i had you. i wouldn't write another word, or sing another song, unless i was writing for you, or singing to you. you're why i am the way i am today, you're the reason i have changed. finding you and loving you, and you loving me, was supposed to happen, and i don't know who's hands are responsible for any of this, but just know that you have all of me, all of me today and all of me tomorrow, and all of me everyday after that. i'm not going anywhere if you don't go anywhere, and if you go anywhere, i'm going to follow, and there's nothing you can do or say, to change my mind.

i love you elijah ackerman, with all of my heart.
so believe me, believe me when i say, i'd go with you.
just believe me.


"Baby, let your light shine on me
When I'm lost on the road
You know you could set me free
You could ease my load
Days get so dark that I can't hardly see
I've been gone so long, it seems like home to me

Baby, when I was young of age, I took you for my world
The oceans were your eyes, the pastures were your curves
But now I'm all alone stranded in the West
Where you sleep tonight I can only guess

Baby, let your light shine on me
When I'm lost on the road
You know you could set me free
You could ease my load
There's something on the hills you know I gotta see
I've been gone so long, it seems like home to me

Well, baby, I gave you all I got and told you all I know
But you want someone I'm not so it's time for me to go
When a sparrow needs its rest, it takes the nearest tree
But if I pass back this way, there's still light on me

Baby, let your light shine on me
When I'm lost on the road
You know you could set me free
You could ease my load
There's something that I lack, it just won't let me be
I've been gone so long, it seems like home to me

Baby, let your light shine on me
When I'm lost on the road
You know, you could set me free
You could ease my load
I guess I'll just keep on until I reach the sea
I've been gone so long, it seems like home to me
It seems like home to me
It seems like home to me"

- Seems like home to me, tWO gALLANTS.


change is now.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


- unconstrained; unconfined:
- involving no collisions or interactions:
- not controlled by obligation or the will of another.
- not bound, fastened, or attached.
- to set at liberty; make free.
- to relieve of a burden, obligation, or restraint: people who were at last set free from fear.
- to remove obstructions or entanglements from; clear.


i would give anything to go back there.


dear girl, today the sky was filled with jealousy. so you took out your paints and you covered it, black and white. you took all the colours and you pushed them aside, and you painted the sky dark, so the sun wouldn't wake you. you painted the clouds grey so when they rushed a crossed the sky, the shadows weren't too drastic to catch your attention, so when they scurried around the ground finding buildings to hide behind, and the people who were awake, they sat inside their tiny homes and followed them with their finger tips, tracing them on all the windows. and inside, unalarmed you slept so soft, so sound, like nothing else in the world mattered. you had the colours all tucked away under the bed you laid on, swimming in the sea, you made yourself. nothing could touch you. no one could hurt you. you laid under the sky you painted, with a smile stretched a crossed your face, you looked so peaceful. and still your tiny fist, your tiny little balls of anger, all the anger and all the hate consolidated and gathered tucked inside, behind all your fingers. so much pressure holding them clenched. they were painted on the outside, black with anger and on the inside white with worry lines. so you keep them closed, and you keep on sleeping and you know, everythings going to eventually be alright.


everything seems so far away, and i don't like it.
i woke up screaming again.
seems, lately, i've been really good at that.

i swallowed 3 aspirin and put my feet on the floor.
this morning, it's coffee instead of hot tea, with the same 3 table spoons of sugar and some milk.

nothings really the same around this house anymore.
not since yesterday.