i know the brass tracks, the chapter and verse of all of this. i swim in your sea, as you swim in mine. dancing in and out. i swim, i sink. painted blue in all the oceans we surround ourselves in. so deep, so subtle, so lifeless. two bodies bound together by the crashing and the pulling of the tide, coming and going and coming some more. i swim in your sea. it's getting heavy and i'm getting stronger. in you, i believe. the diversity in my voice, you saved me. you are my cadence, the beats sunk in my heart. i love you, and your eyes. you are like the ocean to me.
5 comments:
doubt you'll ever get anything published. not to sound harsh but this is pretty terrible. cool words. awful flow and direction. sorry.
not to mention, my first book is in the process, but thank you. criticism is always welcome, more so, appreciated.
we'll see if it's actually published. i would love to be proven wrong. but i dont think i will be.
i mean, i'm not here to prove anything to anyone, i was previously using myspace and writing in my blogs there, that were maxing out at thirty thousand plus readers a day, for the past eight months, and i got fed up with the server itself and i just wanted to give my readers somewhere they have access to my writing, alot of people were disappointed when i cut off public access to all three of my blogs. some people prefer a certain style of writing, everything i write is based on metaphors and "what ifs" if i wanted to sit down and tell an intriguing story, i could. i don't enjoy reading writing like that, and i don't enjoy writing it, but i could if i die-hard wanted too. everything i write is more of a commentary, it's how i see the things i feel. and with my "cool words, and awful flow and no direction" maybe your opinion will change, however it is not expected too or needed. so don't get me wrong, i write because it's all i know, you are one person, with one opinion. many more fish in the sea.
hmm..i beg to differ mr. pibs..i beg to differ.
i think it has a beautiful flow-i love how she starts with the sea, and how she swims in his-and he in hers, then moves to the tide-and then to her voice, and back to the ocean again. i like the circular flow of it. and there aren't really any "cool" words except cadence-which i wouldn't consider to be cool really?
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