Tuesday, September 9, 2008
i'm ready for the sun to set, for the sun to paint the sky with those sun kissed colours i favour so much. like the day you left here. i'm ready for the sun to set and then rise again. i hear you on the other end and there's sorrow in your voice, and i miss you and i wish so much i could just be there. so i send the only kiss i'm familiar with, through the speakers and i wait and listen and i can feel the friction coming through the ear piece, such a simple gesture so short and sweet, calms my breathing. it's so funny how little things can get us by. i wait for it, and i hear your end of the phone click, and after it clicks i send words to you, words that i can't speak, i can't let you soak them in, not through a machine. not until i can look back into your eyes and swim in your oceans. reflect back in you, what i feel inside of me. feel your skin on mine. your heart beat only a beat away. i keep talking until the phone goes off the hook and then i close my eyes and click the phone off. i breathe in and i breathe out. it beeps dead and i push it a crossed the table. i sit here and i smile, and i feel better. i stand up turn around, and switch the light off behind me. a few steps later and i'm standing in a sea of my own clothes, i'm ready to swim in the depths of all the colours. i take a breath and i dive in. and it's warm, and then it's cold and warm again. i open my eyes to our smiles above me. and it pulls this rush through me, through every vein, with every coming heart beat, and it feels good. every breath is longer and more concentrated than the last. i role over into my cold pillow, another wave crashing down on me, sinking me deeper and deeper in to thought, in to my own sea of my own little thoughts. so simple and so complexed. sweet little secrets, so subtle and so kind. and keeping them tied down behind my teeth, tucked away neatly in the back of my throat, locked in a tangled mess inside my voice box, believe me it gets hard. i feel like screaming. but i don't. i tuck my hands under the bottom side of the pillow and i pull through the waves - my hands to my face, and i can feel them on the other side, fields of cotton in between. like a sound barrier not waking the tiny sister who sleeps in the sky. she's quite and i wish i could follow her sleeping patterns, but i can't so i don't and i'd rather lay here hour after hour and whisper to myself all the things i can't wait to whisper into you. i bury my face some more and i smile some more, and i count down the days with tallys and for each tally, i know it's going to be so worth it. it's nearly four in the morning and the high tide is coming in, really fast and then it pulls out slower than i thought it could manage, in slow motion i pull the dark covers over me, and i roll over onto my stomach sending the sound of my heart beat to the bottom of the sea. i close my eyes. i open them again. i reach up and i run my fingers a crossed the photo of you and i, the day it all began, and a day i will never forget. you hear so many talk about that perfect first kiss, and i can still taste you, i close my eyes and i can feel you. i remember. so clear. and so crisp, like the blue in my eyes when i'm thinking of you. and each night i do the same thing, i lay there and i talk the softest words and if i had it my way, i'd be next to you, floating in deep waters with my head on your chest.